Relitigating the 2016 Election: Open Letter To Third Party Swing Staters
Note: This story originally appeared on my blog on October 6, 2016.
2nd Note: “Relitigating the 2016 Election” is a series of the contemporaneous blog posts that I wrote in the lead up to the 2016 election. As these posts reflect my views at that time, they have not been updated.
Dear Third Party Voter:
I get it. You, being down with the whole ideological purity thing, cringe at the idea of voting for Hillary Clinton. At the very same time, you are highly progressive and in possession of a triple-digit IQ. For those two reasons (and many others), the idea of a Trump presidency scares the shit out of you. Perhaps literally. So, not wanting to succumb to the “lesser of the two evils”, you’ve decided to go third party.
I won’t lie. As recently as two weeks ago, hearing you say that would have provoked me into a tonsil-shredding screaming fit.
“Are you out of your mind? Don’t you remember Ralph Nader and the 2000 election?” I would have asked after I got done cursing you out. Then I would have continued with a diatribe about how Hillary Clinton is arguably one of the most qualified presidential candidates in history and how voter antipathy toward her is driven more by institutionalized sexism and misogyny than anything Clinton has said or done (or hasn’t said or hasn’t done).
But in the past few weeks, I’ve mellowed a little. In fact, I’ve mellowed to the point where I’m willing to cast an absentee ballot for a third party candidate in New York State in exchange for a Clinton vote in a contentious swing state. I’ve decided to sacrifice the pleasure of pulling the lever for the first woman candidate of a major party in order to help her actually get elected. And you, third party swing stater will help me. That being said, third party swing state voter, I am respectfully asking that you download the #NeverTrump app and arrange to trade your vote with me, a Clinton supporter in a “safe” state.
At this point, you’re probably wondering why you should participate in a scheme like this. After all, you really want to vote third party and it’s not like you know me.
Well, there are several reasons why you should. First, Jill Stein, Gary Johnson, and all the other third-party candidates simply cannot win, mainly because there isn’t a critical mass of voters who are willing to abandon the prevailing two-party system of governance. Pigs will fly and the devil will lace up ice skates in hell before these third party candidates win even one Electoral College vote, let alone the 270 necessary for entrance into the Oval Office. If you are voting for someone who literally can’t win, you are wasting a vote.
Second, you would be helping the third party of your choice get the necessary share of the vote to qualify for federal funds. Despite the record unpopularity of the major party candidates, voter turnout for this cycle is likely to be high. Five percent of those votes is an achievable goal this cycle — if third party supporters vote strategically. And there is no need to worry about which state the vote is cast in; your third party candidate does not have to win any Electoral College votes to qualify for federal funds.
Third, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you helped avert a catastrophe of epic proportions. After all, if you are progressive enough to want to go the third party route, then there’s no way you can possibly feel good about having a misogynistic, xenophobic, racist, Islamophobic, homophobic, tax-dodging asshole become president. Yes, I know you don’t like Clinton but Clinton has repeatedly expressed a desire to listen to and cooperate with the progressive Left. Better a receptive president who does what you want at least some of the time than a president who is so grandiose and erratic that you literally can’t have an intelligent conversation with him about anything.
And, while a Trump presidency would eventually energize the progressive Left, many people will suffer during that energizing process. Many Nader supporters rationalized their votes with the “it will wake everyone up” argument in 2000. While anger with the Bush regime spurred increased political involvement and agitation on the Left and that unrest ultimately led up to the election of America’s first black president, the United States got involved in two disastrous wars and was pushed to the brink of utter economic collapse before that happened. And Barack Obama, who campaigned on a highly progressive platform spent so much of his presidency cleaning up the mess his predescessor, George W. Bush, made that much of his own agenda was tabled. I don’t know of a single Nader voter who is proud of helping to create that situation. In fact, more than a few Nader voters, knowing what they know now, wish they had sucked it up and voted for Gore.
Fourth, Jill Stein or Gary Johnson are not going to reward you in any substantial way if you vote for them. They won’t be able to as they will be shut out from any positions of power and influence. They’re not your friends and despite their political promises, they don’t owe you a thing. And, unless you work for their respective parties, you will most likely never meet them. Does it really matter if you like them more than you like Clinton?
Conversely, does it really matter that you don’t like Hillary Clinton? She’s not your friend, either and the race for the White House is not a popularity contest. Unless you are invited to The White House, you will most likely never meet her. Your personal antipathy towards her means nothing.
Fifth, even though I swear to uphold my end of the bargain on my life, my health, my happiness, and my much-beloved gray tabby, you don’t have to trust me completely. I plan to cast an absentee ballot. I can fax you a copy of the completed ballot along with the certified mail receipt. That way, you’ll know that I did what I promised.
Last, this scheme is 1,000,000% legal. Back in 2007, The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that vote trading was a legitimate form of self-expression protected by the First Amendment.
So how about it? You get what you want, I get what I want and Trump goes back to hosting reality shows that few people actually watch. Hit me up on Google+ if you’re interested.
Sincerely,
The Super Nerdy Black Chick (Who Is Terrified By The Prospect of A Trump Presidency)
