VAGINAS STINK!!! (AT LEAST VAGISIL THINKS THEY DO)

Note: This story originally appeared (in slightly different form) on my blog on January 2, 2014.

You know what irritates me? That vapid Vagisil ad where a female announcer intones that “that itch you can’t scratch” can leaving a woman feeling “not herself” while a model makes distressed puppy-dog eyes at her own reflection in a storefront window. That commercial pisses me off to the point where I want to hurl my television out the window of my third-floor walk-up, innocent passers-by be damned.

Really? I’ll tell you this much: If my cootchie ever stinks to the point where I want to avoid eye contact and bundle up in a hoodie, I’m going to speed dial my gyno and insist upon being seen right away. If I ever were to stink that bad, I would probably have an infection of some sort — an infection that would be cleared up with some antibiotics, not a $7 bottle of feminine wash.

It doesn’t stop with “feminine washes”. Douches have been on the market for decades now, never mind the fact that they are unnecessary. (There is also evidence indicating that douches can exacerbate infections.) Brazilian waxes and depilatory creams eliminate unwanted hair from the “bikini line.” Every drugstore I’ve ever been in stocks at least one brand of “feminine deodorant.” I even saw Betty Beauty on the shelves of a Duane Reade, a dye specifically designed for use on the pubic hair.

It’s bad enough that women are constantly pressured to “be pretty” — wear make-up and high heels, be immaculately coiffed, get lipo for our cellulite, “fight aging” with various serums and injections, squeeze into pre-maternity clothes within weeks of giving birth, etc. But do we need (male) advertising execs manipulating us into believing that our vulvas have to look good, too?

If you ask me, this commercial — no, feminine hygiene products themselves — bespeaks a latent misogyny in American culture. An entire generation of women have been brainwashed into believing that their va-jay-jays should smell like “Island Splash” and baby powder and that they are failures as human beings if their (freshly washed and uninfected) nether regions don’t. And, as far as I know, no similar products are marketed to men. (Nutsac wipes for days when “masculine odor” makes you feel “not so fresh”, anybody?)

What’s next? At-home anal bleaching kits? Labioplasty parties? JFC.